Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment and I took Ava (2 years old) with me. It's amazing how much more I noticed my baby's awesomeness when we were out and about. Maybe because I'm aware of the opinions of others, and can kind of look at her through an outsider's eyes, this makes me more attune to all of her cute, quirky, kind ways.
The appointment was quick, and Ava mostly colored. After the appointment, she said 'goodbye' in the way grandma showed her... "See you later! Have a good day! Adios! Auf Wiedersehen! Too-da-loo! Bye! Ciao! ("cow")" Her little 2-year-old pronunciations are so great!
We then went down to the lab and on our way, we passed an 80-something-year-old woman walking toward us. Ava, walking in her jaunty, shoulder-bobbing way, didn't miss a stride as she looked up at the woman and waved, "Hi, Grandma!" and continued on her way. 'Grandma' smiled and said 'hello'. At the lab, I checked in, and then Ava saw the stairs. So, she started climbing. I told her she needed to come right back down, and she did stop at the top and listened to me try and convince her that she needed to come down now. She smiled and sweetly said, "al-vee-shayn" ("Auf Wiedersehen", German for "goodbye"). And then she took of running full speed. How could I be mad? She's so darn cute! When we were finally back in the lab, I told her no more running. She sat for a moment, and then wanted to get up and explore. I said, "Ava, no. You're too fast." So, she said, "I go slow." and she shuffled her feet very slowly past me. I had such good laughs yesterday!
My heart is so full to the brim because of this little girl! She's so kind to others, so smiley, so bright and cheerful. She always has been! Gosh, I love her SO much!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
new day
Whew! Ok, so I'm feeling a lot better than I was over the weekend. That was a really rough one.
I, being analytical in nature, am trying to figure out what's made today better. So I can replicate it (silly me; like that'll work). I went to church on Sunday, just for the singing part of things. And though I don't really want to yet make this a habit (see previous blogs), the worship/singing part was really good. I felt a little more reconnected with my Maker.
Also, I blogged (obviously). I felt almost immediately better after that. I guess I really need to just keep writing. To get it all out. Catharsis and all that.
And then there's the unpredictable hormones. I just have to realize I have no control in this area and sometimes the pregnancy is going to kick my butt. It's good to know that the crazed emotions won't last the entire 9 months. This time it was just 3 or 4 days.
Last night nearly killed the good mood I had going yesterday when I talked with a certain family member. I don't know why I try. When she's in her manic, even a simple conversation is ridiculous. Only one of us is actively listening while the other is too much in her own head and problems to really care.
But, then I went and had a GREAT talk with my awesome husband for an hour or so, and felt less like my ideas and feelings were crazy and alien. Thanks, Love.
Today it's snowing, which is just like Wisconsin. At this point, though, we all want spring to just get here. I'm tired of the cold. My spirit is tired of the cold. My bones are cold and need thawing.
I, being analytical in nature, am trying to figure out what's made today better. So I can replicate it (silly me; like that'll work). I went to church on Sunday, just for the singing part of things. And though I don't really want to yet make this a habit (see previous blogs), the worship/singing part was really good. I felt a little more reconnected with my Maker.
Also, I blogged (obviously). I felt almost immediately better after that. I guess I really need to just keep writing. To get it all out. Catharsis and all that.
And then there's the unpredictable hormones. I just have to realize I have no control in this area and sometimes the pregnancy is going to kick my butt. It's good to know that the crazed emotions won't last the entire 9 months. This time it was just 3 or 4 days.
Last night nearly killed the good mood I had going yesterday when I talked with a certain family member. I don't know why I try. When she's in her manic, even a simple conversation is ridiculous. Only one of us is actively listening while the other is too much in her own head and problems to really care.
But, then I went and had a GREAT talk with my awesome husband for an hour or so, and felt less like my ideas and feelings were crazy and alien. Thanks, Love.
Today it's snowing, which is just like Wisconsin. At this point, though, we all want spring to just get here. I'm tired of the cold. My spirit is tired of the cold. My bones are cold and need thawing.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
15 week low...
I am 15 weeks pregnant today.
The nausea is mostly gone. And last week I had 2 really glorious days of feeling happy and light and ready for anything. It may have been the equally great weather we finally had.
Since then, I've mostly been feeling NOT ready. For anything. I really try not to be a downer, it's so easy for me to be that way, really. But I'm down. I'm feeling crappy about myself. And exhausted always. My 2-year-old doesn't notice, I don't think. It's pretty easy to be pretty cheerful with her. She brings out the joy in me with her happy silly ways. And somehow, I can still be patient with her when she gets angry or scream-y. I put on that mother-y-ness and can patiently discipline. I don't know how this will still happen when there's an infant in the mix and I'm a hundred times more exhausted than I am now. Really, on the days when she tests more boundaries than normal, I do the mommy thing and give the time-outs and the serious, firm eye-contact talks. But then I'm more exhausted and my confidence dips even lower.
I feel like I do what I need to do, but I still feel like I'm treading water a bit. By this point in the blog, my midwife would diagnose me with depression and say it's time for some drugs. It doesn't feel that simple. And I really don't want to expose this tiny baby in me to drugs. Just maybe occasional TUMS.
Thank God for Jer who, on the weekends, cleans and launders, does homework, and basically is two parents to Ava so I can sleep in and sit my tired self down. A lot. Really, I don't think I change one diaper on the weekends. Or wash one dish. And I'm not the brightest light to be around, either. Poor man. I notice I don't make much eye contact, don't really talk much. Lately when he asks if I'm ok, I say things like, "The answer is the same as it's been. I'm tired. I'm pregnant." Or, "I don't have an answer. Stop asking." If I were him, I would ask 'are you ok' all the time, too. I want to be better for him. He compliments me constantly, like always. On my looks, my joy, my mothering...etc. He's amazing for still being so sweet. I guess he just knows me. He knows that I'm hard on myself, and that when I say, "Stop asking," it's not in annoyance at him; it's that I feel bad for acting so depressive all the time, and I don't want to say sad things all the time.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I've mostly been dreading Mondays. Being spoiled all weekend, and knowing that it'll end just... sucks. But I make it, and it's good. Ava is awesome. Even at 6:13am.
The nausea is mostly gone. And last week I had 2 really glorious days of feeling happy and light and ready for anything. It may have been the equally great weather we finally had.
Since then, I've mostly been feeling NOT ready. For anything. I really try not to be a downer, it's so easy for me to be that way, really. But I'm down. I'm feeling crappy about myself. And exhausted always. My 2-year-old doesn't notice, I don't think. It's pretty easy to be pretty cheerful with her. She brings out the joy in me with her happy silly ways. And somehow, I can still be patient with her when she gets angry or scream-y. I put on that mother-y-ness and can patiently discipline. I don't know how this will still happen when there's an infant in the mix and I'm a hundred times more exhausted than I am now. Really, on the days when she tests more boundaries than normal, I do the mommy thing and give the time-outs and the serious, firm eye-contact talks. But then I'm more exhausted and my confidence dips even lower.
I feel like I do what I need to do, but I still feel like I'm treading water a bit. By this point in the blog, my midwife would diagnose me with depression and say it's time for some drugs. It doesn't feel that simple. And I really don't want to expose this tiny baby in me to drugs. Just maybe occasional TUMS.
Thank God for Jer who, on the weekends, cleans and launders, does homework, and basically is two parents to Ava so I can sleep in and sit my tired self down. A lot. Really, I don't think I change one diaper on the weekends. Or wash one dish. And I'm not the brightest light to be around, either. Poor man. I notice I don't make much eye contact, don't really talk much. Lately when he asks if I'm ok, I say things like, "The answer is the same as it's been. I'm tired. I'm pregnant." Or, "I don't have an answer. Stop asking." If I were him, I would ask 'are you ok' all the time, too. I want to be better for him. He compliments me constantly, like always. On my looks, my joy, my mothering...etc. He's amazing for still being so sweet. I guess he just knows me. He knows that I'm hard on myself, and that when I say, "Stop asking," it's not in annoyance at him; it's that I feel bad for acting so depressive all the time, and I don't want to say sad things all the time.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I've mostly been dreading Mondays. Being spoiled all weekend, and knowing that it'll end just... sucks. But I make it, and it's good. Ava is awesome. Even at 6:13am.
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